Failure...

Tonight, even most of today, I am a failure as a parent. Not that this hasn't happened before, but Milo now has the ability to respond to my inability in much more harsh ways. I'm not actually sure if it's him or me, but it feels like me. This morning he was up early, so I was up early. I started out slow, we ate breakfast, and I started unpacking and moving things around with fervor. I've found I need to make use of these rare moments in pregnancy when some energy plus lack of nausea gives me a small window of opportunity. Small, lasted about an hour to ninety minutes. At which point, Milo got a little whiney, I got really tired and a little more aware of my rounder self, and we curled up on my bed with the computer tuned in to some favorite cartoons. I actually dozed off, not that that bother Milo, just meant he got to watch more.

Finally dragged myself up again, got us both dressed and decided we'd pack a lunch so we could head to the park when Mike got home a little after noon. Milo's been liking to help me in the kitchen, so I asked if he wanted to come sit on the counter. Yes. Ok. On the counter, I started to pull stuff out, he pitches a fit. OIy. Do you want some cars? No! Do you want to sit on the counter? No! Ok, down to the floor. NO! I WANT TO SIT ON THE COUNTER! I WANT SOME CARS! I try again and again to explain to him that when he says no, that means he does not want what I am asking, that if he does want that, he should say yes, or better, yes please. We're in the midst of this hopeless discussion when Mike comes in. Now it's escalated to Milo crying and yelling, "Mommy hold you Mommy hold you!" Bless his heart, Mike steps in, allowing me to pack lunch. The park was fairly successful, and after a little picnic and a lot of play, we headed back.

Some resistance to nap, but nothing I couldn't handle. He slept for a good 2, 2.5 hours and woke up super crabby. Usually I'd just leave him in bed and let him cry it out, but partly because I knew Mike would be heading to sleep, and partly because I thought a little mom-cuddle time might remedy the situation, I got him up. Bad idea. Cuddling work long enough for Mike to go to bed, then all hell broke loose. Everything I did or didn't do was wrong and resulted in screaming crying. Managed a decent dinner with the help of a Thomas episode, my kid's a couch potato at 2, another failure, we fought over him watching another one, then he didn't want to watch another one and wanted to finger paint. Okay, fine, I pull out some paints I managed not to pack and set him up. That lasts about 90 seconds before he wants me to paint for him. I try helping him paint, but that irritates him more. More tears and screaming. I have him sit on a chair with his blanket for a minute to regain control of his breathing. It's about 6:30pm and I'm praying for bedtime. Screw it. Ready for a bath, buddy? No bath!! Okay, straight to bed? NO, I WANT A BATH! Not this again. Go upstairs, run the bath, he brings some cars to play with, get him in the bath and he freaks out again. Throws his cars out of the tube, then screams that he wants his cars. Not going to give in to that one at the moment. He's crying, I'm trying to rub his back, which he seems to really like recently. Kinda helps. I ask him if his tummy hurts, thought he just ate fine, he says no, not that that means anything to him. I ask him if I can feel his teeth, which he always finds kinda funny, and is a good way for me to check and see if his molars are coming in. NO! Okay, out of the tube, into jammies, I pull some books and tell him to pick some to. He sees one of the ones I picked, usually one he likes, and he freaks out. I bring my pile to the rocking chair and sit, watching him cry, baffled. He finally comes over with a book, I read him about 8 books, stretching time to a little after 7pm, we rock a I try to snuggle, but now he's all energy and wants to tackle Sally who's by his bed. Fine. He does, then I do manage to tuck him in, he freaks out about a blanket he doesn't want, I cover his feet with it, give him a drink of water, say goodnight, and escape.

I can't believe I even say the word escape when it comes to my kid's room. I know that parenting isn't easy, I know I'm not always going to be the best, I know that my kid is 2 and going through all kinds of crazy changes right now, geographically, socially, physically, but how have I completely lost the ability to communicate with my child? How have I already forgotten how to find a way to steer him straight and find the balance between happiness and direction? I'm so tired tonight. And I really want a glass of wine and a pint of Chubby Hubby, neither of which are possible.

We moved.

Here we are in NC. Kinda crazy, but we're really liking it so far. Mike picked out a great house for us to rent for a while so we can figure out the area, spend some time becoming parents again, you know, all that stuff. Milo seems to be adjusting well. Gotta say, it's great not having to worry too much about how much this will affect him. He still talks about people in Toledo, but I don't think he really gets what's happened. The most significant thing with him was his 15 hour sleep last night. Mike put him down for a nap around 3pm, he woke at about 4:15pm asking for some milk, went back to sleep, I started to worry about him being alive around 6:30/7pm, went to check on him, and he was half off his mattress (were mid-transition out of the crib = mattress on the floor), covered in his stuffed animals. I tried to gently move him back on his bed, he kinda whimpered and asked me to hold him, so we cuddled for a bit, and he passed out again. I even changed his diaper and put jammy pants on him without him waking. He stirred at about 1am, then about 5am, again asking for milk, I'm sure he was starving, and then was up about 6:30am. He was a peach today, great attitude all morning, super cute and funny. One of those mornings when I'm really grateful I don't have to go drop him off at someone else's for the day.

I'm moving a bit slower these days. Morning/anytime sickness is lessening finally, but not gone yet. I still require a nap pretty much every day. I'm anxious for my nesting stage to kick in, so I can really pull this place together, but I'm making progress. And we've got 4 bedrooms, so if anyone's up for a visit, let us know.

Mike seems to be loving this new position too. The team here seems a good fit for him, good for his personality and development plan as a pharmacist. And not gonna lie, I'm not missing the on-call or working weekends!

I am glad we're back together as a family again. A month was kinda tough. Mike and I saw each other one weekend in there when we were looking at places to live, but Milo didn't see his daddy for over a month. Though he is very resilient, his attitude in general, but specifically when I wasn't around or trying to leave him in the very able care of babysitters or nursery staff left much to be desired. He was really clingy, cried when I left which he didn't do much before, and spent some extra time in time-outs. He also had a couple of sad nights with bad dreams, all of which people have told me were indicators of him just knowing that his dad wasn't there. Again, just glad it's over.

Now he's busy saying things like, "Mommy you come with me to North Carolina?" and pretty much perpetually when he's not around, "where's Daddy? sshh, Daddy sleeping?" and one of my new favorites, "that's really wonderful!" He's thrown that one in once or twice in surprisingly appropriate times. This pic is one that my dad/moving truck driver-extraordinaire snapped enroute; we had stopped for lunch, and Milo loved to get up in the "penske truck."

**Mike Edit**


Milo has discovered how to use the itouch recently. He likes playing this puzzle game that involves routing cars and trains through busy intersections. He has beaten Dad's high score already. I was telling Meg I'm not sure whether to be proud or ashamed as a parent... :)

It reminds me of this video I saw recently; a commentary on where future generations may be heading?