And as I went into this season, almost fully knowing but not really recognizing, I've tried to hold on to things that are easy and comfortable for me, some things, like my friends in MN, my hobbies, etc, all good things. But I found I also tried to hold on part-time to my old job, but not even really my old job, a fraction of my old job in a different store, with completely different people. I put all the right labels on it, I was doing this for my social benefit, to keep me getting out of the house, for adult conversation. But I think when it came right down to it, I was scared to let go of so much of what I was familiar with, so much of what defined me for so long, even though I fought the actual job label, the people I worked with were the people I spent all my time with, the people who took care of my kid, and again, not that any of that was bad, in fact, I consider myself to have been extremely lucky to have landed where I did when I did. That job supplied me and Milo with fantastic health insurance when it was way too expensive to be on Mike's. Again, I met some dear, dear kindred spirits who I will always carry with me as my friends and extended family. And a steady paycheck and benefits while we were paying out for Mike to be in school.
And now I don't need those things. Or at least, I don't need them to be supplied by my employer. I've been working, fighting to work, at one of the stores here, not connecting with any of the leadership on staff, and feeling really under-appreciated, even unwanted, most of the time I was there. I realized that I didn't have to and don't want to be there anymore. And I quit. I have never not worked, since I was 15 years old, I have had some sort of job or other, and I find myself a little lost, but feeling so totally free all at the same time. My last day is Saturday, and I'm already looking forward for that day to be over. That's got to be a good sign. I'm reaching out to a few connections I've made here for my social life, so I'm not desolate there, in fact I feel really good about the handful of people who I think will grow into friends. I'm doing some training next week for some volunteer opportunities, and Milo and I are finding all kinds of things to keep us out of trouble. Mike and I have joined a gym with a daycare so I can get out of the house and even drop Milo off if I need to for some alone time. I think we're covering all my bases.
I still feel like I'm on the edge, facing this slightly scary precipice, not knowing what I will find below, but I feel like I'm finally making the right decisions. I think it was important for me to work here so that now I can feel like I don't have to work here; this has all been part of the journey, but now I let go of almost everything familiar, and Mike, Milo, and I really make a go of this "real" life.
2 comments:
This sounds like an excellent decision. If you don't need to do it and you don't love it - well what other good reason is there to stay? None! A pox on people who don't appreciate your talent and energy anyway!
There is plenty of wonderful, meaningful things to do as a SAHM, and I think you will be (already are) awesome at it! The two things I learned from my time "at home" was to network with other at-home parents (do you have something like ECFE or playgroup opportunities?) and to treat it a little like a job- i.e. have goals and some kind of loose schedule. But it sounds like you've already figured this out....
I am looking forward to hearing what you and Milo have on your agenda.
Thank you sweet Brigitte! You are and always have been such an encouragement. Hopefully I will be half as successful as you have been as a mom, and Milo will be half as witty and cute as yours! Big hug!
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