Who am I...?

Do you ever feel like something in your life has gone terribly wrong and you can't quite figure out how or why it's happened that way? Like you blinked and this whole... thing just happens, leaving you feeling like you've been sucker punched, like you could just cry for a couple of days, like you could just sit in the shower and pray that the therapeutic water would just wash it all away? I feel myself doubting who I am, who I've been, and where I'm going. Who am I that this has happened? What could I have done that this would result? Am I an honest person? Am I a person of integrity? Do I value the people around me? Do I try to be the best version of me all the time? Maybe not... Or maybe everyone around me is crazy... or maybe I am? Where would I be and what would I be doing if this thing hadn't happened?

Don't worry, nothing horrible has happened. Mike and I are fine. Fine, what a funny word we use. What does "fine" really mean? Speaking for me of course, I'm breathing, I've eaten today so I'm not starving to death, I've completed my nine-hour work day, I slept okay last night, so I'm fine, I'm surviving. I'm living. I send this into the void tonight not looking for consultation or empathy, and not sympathy either, just because for once I want to be brutally honest about where I'm at right this instance: I'm breathing, crying a little, surviving. And that's it. No happy faces, no smart things to say or comment on, nothing earth shattering. I find myself putting on the satisfied mask of "fine"-ness all to often: how are you- fine. How was work today- fine. How was your weekend- fine. The mask is off, this is me, right now... I'm breathing...